36 - Divorce Mail, Part #2

Today we get to hear Divorce-senpai's advice on how めんどくさい (mendokusai, "annoying") it is getting divorced in Japan.

(For a quick refresher, here's Part 1 of this lesson.)

Here's our convo so far:

Y:
家出する日近い
iede suru hi chikai
I'll be running away from home soon.

Y:
とめて
tomete
Can I stay with you?

R:
いいよ笑
ii yo wara
Sure. LOL.

Y:
離婚の先輩、離婚ってめんどくさいですか?
rikon no senpai, rikon tte mendokusai desu ka?
Divorce-senpai, is getting a divorce difficult?

Y:
日曜の朝から真っ暗な話しをお届けして失礼💀
nichiyou no asa kara makkura na hanashi wo otodoke shite shitsurei
Sorry for starting such a dark conversation on a Sunday morning.

(Now, Part 2...)

(Special Note: I'm going to aplogize in advance, because you'll notice that my translations are starting to veer off of the literal translations pretty significantly. I guess that's what happens with difficult Japanese, though...)

M:
結局紙一枚だからね!
kekkyoku kami ichimai da kara ne!
All I had to do was submit a single piece of paper!
(Literally: "after all + paper + one sheet + is + because + ね!")

*****Note*****
I originally wrote, "All you have to do is submit a single sheet of paper."

But then I was thinking about this word, 結局 (kekkyoku, "after all"), and I realized that the nuance was that Divorce-senpai only had to submit a single sheet of paper "after all; in the end." So I translated it to "All I had to do..."

For all of you that hate Japanese counters, flat things, like pieces of paper, are counted with ~枚 (~mai). So...

一、二、三、百!
ichi, ni, san, hyaku!
One, two, three, one hundred!

一枚
ichimai
one sheet

二枚
nimai
two sheets

三枚
sanmai
three sheets

百枚
hyakumai
one hundred sheets

*****End Note*****

書いてくれるのであれば面倒臭くないけど
納得してくれないとなると長くなるよ!
kaite kureru no de areba mendoukusaku nai kedo
nattoku shite kurenai to naru to nagaku naru yo!

If your husband will sign it for you, it's not difficult,
but if he won't, then it's gonna take a long time!
(Literally, Line #1: "write + give + の + であれば [...basically, "if"] + not a hassle + but")
(Literally, Line #2: "consent/understand + not give + and/if + long + becomes!")

*****Note, Part #1*****

Those literal translations are getting weird--full of dashes and particles! Agh!

First problem is this の (no) after 書いてくれる (kaite kureru). の is working as a nominalizer here.

Actually, maybe we should call it a "clause-ifier."

We have this English sentence:

"If your husband will sign it for you, it's not difficult."

The subject of this sentence is... "it," yeah? (Or I'm pretty sure it is.)

The first half, "If your husband will sign it" is a conditional clause (i.e. the first half of an if-then statement).

In the English version we connect the "IF half" and the "THEN half" with a comma:

"If your husband will sign it for you, it's not difficult."

In the Japanese version, we don't have a comma. We have の, instead:

書いてくれるであれば面倒臭くない
kaite kureru no de areba mendoukusaku nai

Maybe writing it this way will help:

-------
書いてくれる
kaite kureru
(Your husband) writes for you


no


であれば
de areba
if

面倒臭くない
mendoukusaku nai
is not a hassle

-------

Or did that just make it more confusing?

Anyways, the first nominalizer they teach you in Japanese classes is ~こと (~koto).

So 食べる (taberu, "to eat") is a verb and 食べること (taberukoto, "eating") is a noun.

But the nominalizer の is 38,000 times more powerful than こと.

For one thing, it has less limits.

We CAN say:

(彼は)食べるの早いね
(kare wa) taberu no hayai ne.
(He) eats fast.
(Literally: "[he + は] + to eat + の + fast + ね.")

But we CANNOT say:

(彼は)食べること早いね
(kare wa) taberu koto hayai ne.

There are two ways I can explain this rule/phenomenon:

#1, The Easy Version - Just accept it without understanding it.

I learned this through osmosis, so you should be able to, as well.

#2, The Nasty Version - Note that while ~こと can be nominalizer, it cannot be a "clause-ifier."

What "clause," Niko?! Curse you and your grammar riddles!

Sorry, yo.

I could write a 50 page article about why there is a clause in this sentence:

(彼は)食べるの早いね
(kare wa) taberu no hayai ne.
(He) eats fast.

But there's no way it's gonna fit in mini-lesson like this.

Here's the 3-line explanation...

Full Japanese: (彼は食べるの)→ それが早いですね。
Full J Romaji: (kare wa taberu no) → sore ga hayai desu ne.
Full J English: (As for his fast eating) → It is fast.

If you're a grammar nerd, you might be thinking I said "clause-ifier" when I should have said "prepositional phrase-ifier."

More likely you're thinking, WTF are you talking about?

Don't worry. I'll bring this up again someday. Probably in a 300-page grammar book or something.

*****End Note*****

*****Note, Part #2*****

であれば (de areba) is one of the many, many ways to say "if" in Japanese. Mastering its use will take time.

Today we have 面倒臭い (mendoukusai), "annoying; a hassle," whereas yesterday we had the slightly shorter, non-kanji めんどくさい (mendokusai) (Note that the "o" is shorter.) Well, actually we had the negative 面倒臭くない (mendoukusakunai) today, but you know what I mean. Anyways, either of these is fine.

*****End Note*****

*****Note, Part #3*****

納得してくれないとなると長くなるよ!
nattoku shite kurenai to naru to nagaku naru yo!
...but if he won't, then it's gonna take a long time!

This word 納得 (nattoku) is tricky, because it can mean "consent" or "understanding."

In a way, don't they mean the same thing, though?

となると
to naru to

...is basically yet another way to say if, only the outcome is more certain than the other "if," であれば, that we saw earlier.

In other words...

If he doesn't consent, it's definitely gonna take a long time.

*****End Note*****

M:
私は自分の気持ち言って納得してくれるまで時間かかったけど。
watashi wa jibun no kimochi itte nattoku shite kureru made jikan kakatta kedo.
In my case, it took a long time for my husband to accept that I wanted to split up.
(Literally: "I + は + myself + の + feelings + say + agree/consent/understand + give me + until + took time.")
(Note: Due to space restraints, I'm not going to break down this line... there's a lot going on, though. All stuff we'll get to in future lessons ^_^.)

M:
うちもいつでもいいよ笑
uchi mo itsu demo ii yo wara
You can stay with me anytime, too. LOL
(Literally: "me/my home + also + anytime + good + よ + LOL.")

Ahhhhh... My brain is tired.


Bonus Phrases

ティッシュ一枚ちょうだい。
ティッシュ いちまい ちょうだい。
Will you hand me a tissue? // Can I have a tissue?
Literally: tissue + one (flat thing) + please

Tシャツ二枚買ったんだ。
ティーシャツ にまい かった んだ。
I bought two T-shirts.

花びらが三枚落ちてる。
はなびら が さんまい おちてる。
Three of the (flower) petals have fallen off. // Three flower petals are falling.

百枚も書いた。
ひゃくまい も かいた。
I wrote a hundred pages!
Literally: 100 sheets + も + wrote
Note: も gives the nuance that this is a big number (in the mind of the speaker).

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